It’s the medical device of the future, folks: The diabetes sex toy.
Okay, stick with me a minute. The idea came to me while I was having dinner with Kelly last month (I almost wrote “having sex with.” Caught myself just in time. But wouldn’t that have been the gossipfest-of-the-week for the DOC?)
Anyway, I was having dinner with Kelly when my CGMS went off. I have it on vibrate, it was in my pocket and tickled my leg, and you know where this is going, right? We talked about what an awesome sex toy it might make if, say, the vibration lasted for more than three seconds. One could create these in tens of fun colors, provide the option of ridges, for enhanced pleasure, and maybe adapt the screen to show movies. And we would call it–
–wait for it…wait for it–
I mean, I realize it’s totally incongruous, medical devices and sex. In fact, my pump and CGMS are often the bane of my sex life, worrying where they are, whether they’ve become detached, why is this buzzing and that beeping, is the plastic casing digging into his sensitive areas, etc. But we could make those devices fun! And plus, here’s the brilliant part: orgasms burn calories, right? (I mean, so I’ve heard.) (Not that I’ve looked it up or anything.) (200!!!) So don’t you think they probably also lower blood sugar too??? Let’s just say a diabetic has a blood sugar of 160, per the prototype above. So the Sexcom™ goes off, starts vibrating away and…she would only need to place it in the right spot for awhile, and BAM, her sugar would drop by oh, say twenty points. If that still isn’t enough, and if she is a woman (this is probably only a good toy for women anyway), she can probably use it again, and again, until she’s back in range!
Or I guess she could just bolus. But it wouldn’t be anywhere near as fun. And it would make high sugars so much less horrible. In fact, the higher the sugar, the more less horrible it would be.
I am applying for a patent…Expect to see the Sexcom™ in stores soon. (Anybody want to volunteer for clinical trials?)