And…eyelashes. Completely wasted on the young.
Latisse users, eat my butt!
(We’re starting with the semi-trivial here, and later moving on to the craziness. Stick with me.)
Next, do they really think this makes anything easier?
Yes, we mercilessly jabbed your baby with a long, sharp needle full of toxins. But look! We’ve disguised the bloody wound with a bouncing soccer ball Band-Aid!! It’s like saying, Yes we’ve waterboarded you, but we did it with a smiley KoolAid pitcher! Thinking such a thing will make children forgive the torture you’ve inflicted is insulting to their intelligence. (Perhaps hell is filled with pediatricians being repeatedly poked in the eyes with soccer balls, Elmo noses, and the sharp edge of Dora the Explorer’s hair.)
I seriously considered telling the pediatrician that we weren’t doing vaccines, or were at least postponing them until Anna’s a bit older. Before Anna was born, I thought the parents who refused to vaccinate their kids were crunchy nuts. But Anna had a tough time after her two-month vaccines, really seemed to lose her personality, just wasn’t herself for almost two weeks. And the day before her appointment, I spent hours poring over websites that told me about the dangers of vaccines (as well as how they’re wholly unnecessary), and I steeled my shoulders, looked into the pediatrician’s face and…caved. The moment she put on her stern I’m-the-professional-so-don’t-question-me! face, I completely forgot everything I was going to say. (We did space out the vaccines, so that instead of getting vaccinated for eight diseases every two months, she gets to be poked monthly. Oh joy.) I don’t blame this on Dr. Yao, I blame it on my inability to stand up for myself in front of doctors. But Anna apparently does blame her, because look what I found that afternoon.
She was so pissed she learned to write. Upside down.
The only part that excites me about pedi visits is we get to see why exactly my back is hurting so much. At four months, Anna weighed in at 18 pounds, 8 ounces, which is completely off the charts (125th percentile) and what I weighed when I was two. Doing some quick math to extrapolate, she will weigh what I currently weigh when she is three years old. Which may make disciplining an issue. I’ll send her to time out, and she’ll look down at me, scowl and bop me on the head.
Wha-ha-ha Mommy, you’re in TROU-BLE!!
So anyway, I mentioned craziness, and here it is. Let’s switch gears because I have other, much bigger news. The above was just an attempt to postpone writing about something that I feel so conflicted about, I really have no idea how I feel. Because Anna is soon going to have a new half-birth-brother or sister. Her birthmom, Brittany, is pregnant again.
Every baby is a blessing, I have no right to look on this as anything else, but…hell.
This makes four children with three different fathers. Brit met this latest father just a week after Anna was born. Within a month they were engaged…Things are done “differently” by the people Brit knows, most of her friends had babies as teenagers, most of them are married before 20. Her fiance already has a son, as does Anna’s birth father. Brit has two other kids by her first husband, the first she gave birth to at sixteen. It all just boggles my mind, because when I was sixteen? Having a boy touch my boobies still seemed like a big deal.
So these were my thoughts when I found out, in approximate order. I’ll tell you that most of these, I am not proud of.
- What the &%*# heck?
and then…
- How is she possibly going to provide for one more child? We adore her other children…our love for Anna extends to them, they almost feel like part of the family. And Brit having another child is going to affect Jason and Azzy–financially, of course, but also because Brit will have much less time to be a mother.
- When this baby is born, we’ll fall immediately in love with it too, I’m sure. Seeing photos of the baby is going to be so painful, imagining what kind of life it must have.
- What’s the right way to tell Anna that her birthmom kept both the children born before her and the baby conceived immediately after she was born? How is she not going to feel like she was less loved, less worthy? (This, I think, is the thing worrying me most.)
- There are so many women–I’ve been one of course and I know so many others–who’d do anything for a baby. These women would make incredible mothers, are able to provide for their children (and certainly wouldn’t do anything to endanger them, like smoking or doing drugs throughout a pregnancy or in their early childhood), so how is it fair that women who don’t even want more children are popping them out left and right? If you believe in a higher power, and that everything happens for a reason, how does this make any sense whatsoever?
- (My next thought was kind of awful, forgive me, but it stemmed primarily from the emotions of the last two bullets.) This is a prime example of why women on welfare should be allowed to get their tubes tied for free. Perhaps even coaxed into it.
- Maybe having another baby will make Brittany less involved in Anna’s life. On the one hand, this is a bad thing. More than anything we want Anna to know how much she’s loved by her birth family, BUT…Brit’s life isn’t exactly stable. There are things we’ve found out (primarily through her Facebook and MySpace postings) that make us more hesitant to invite her into Anna’s life. We do still love her. I know everything I’ve said makes me sound antagonistic, but she gave us the most wonderful gift, she’s a part of us and a part of our family. I look into Anna’s face and I see so many of her features, and I’ll always love her for the sacrifice she made in carrying Anna and giving her to us. The days we spent with her in Akron were magical, and there were so many things I liked about her. She really is such a good, loving person, but there are too many things I’ve learned since we came home that worry me about her. And God forbid Anna, trying to reclaim some of her heritage, tries to emulate her birth mother. So at this point at least, until she grows up and becomes more responsible, I think the less time Anna spends with her, the better.
- And the last thought I couldn’t stop myself from having, was that I’d do anything if Brit would give us the baby she’s carrying now.
I wish I was a better, more generous person, that I could celebrate for Brittany, and be happy for a new life. But I’m being honest here, of the trillion thoughts I had, approximately 95% of them were bad. Because…I think some people don’t deserve children. I hate myself for having that thought, especially about someone I consider part of my family, but there it is. I’ve been holding Anna extra-tight since I found out, thinking about this piece of her heart beating in somebody else’s womb. And crying for it.
Digg it StumbleUpon Facebook Twitter del.icio.us Google Yahoo! reddit
I bet this was a hard post for you to write. I’m glad you did. Although these probably seem like thoughts you shouldn’t be having, you’re just a person — and a new mom — so I’m glad you put them out there.
And although I have no children of my own, I probably would have thought the same things.
Also: those eyelashes! What are they, 7? 8 inches long?
Your thoughts are Your thoughts. I get it, on a small scale. It makes sense to have these particular thoughts.
I hate that you are. Hate that you have to go through this, in a way, all over again.
Just know, You are a FANtastic Mom for being so up front about all of this. Anna is SO blessed to have you. And she WILL know this one day. She already does, in her own way.
(((hugs))) and love, always.
Wow. Those eyelashes are amazing! I hope they stick with her as she gets older. Then she won’t need mascara like me
Wow. All those emotions and who can blame you? They may seem like bad thoughts but to be honest I’d probably have many similar ones if I were you. I’m very sorry that there could be added stress to the notion of Anna being adopted. But I’m pretty sure anyone could see that she is really the fortunate one for being raised by parents who can fully suppprt her, in all aspects.
I agree with the others. You are allowed to have and express your own thoughts. And the point about how will you explain to Anna later…that’s going to be a reality and you are right to be thinking of it now. However, you will make such a lovely home for her that it will ease the pain knowing how much better off she is. She will know it and feel it. We have been through a similar situation and I thought for sure my step daughter would want to see her mom, but I think she knows how different her life would be and she is thankful. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t hurt…but she knows how much we love her. Anna will know too.
Oh boy! You had to know I was going to have something to say about this!
First, those eyelashes are insane! (see, I can start off slowly, too).
Next, you’re absolutely, without-a-doubt, positively doing the right thing about the vaccines. I know there’s tons of scary info out there, but they are necessary.
Now, on to the Brittany stuff. First, WTF? Is there some allergy to birth control here? Is it a religious thing? Because if not, I cannot fathom how a woman who has had three children before the age of (insert age here), how this woman can be so irresponsible as to get pregnant again. How a woman who cannot provide for the children she has (welfare is not a paycheck) can be so selfish as to bring another child, another mouth to feed, into this world.
I have been trying to conceive a child for over three years. I did everything I was supposed to do – I didn’t have sex in high school, and when I finally gave it up in college, I used a condom. I spent my twenties and early thirties growing a career that allows me to earn a pretty decent paycheck. Now, here I am in my *gulp* lateish 30s, and I can’t get pregnant. How is that fair?
And when people tell me “everything happens for a reason,” I want to kick their asses because everything doesn’t happen for a reason. It just happens. My 39 year old sister didn’t just die from breast cancer for a reason. That newborn infant they found in a dumpster – that didn’t happen for a reason. I’m sorry, but I refuse to believe that when horrible things happen to good people, or when horrible people are rewarded with good things, that it’s all for some higher purpose.
The only victims in this scenario are Brittany’s children. And make no mistake, Elizabeth, *you* gave *her* the greatest gift. You guaranteed that one of her children won’t spend her life struggling. Anna will have a wonderful life because of this gift that you gave. Sure, what Brittany did was unselfish and amazingly difficult. I have nothing but respect for women who are willing to put their children ahead of their own needs or wants. But, that respect goes away pretty quickly when less than six months after giving birth, she’s knocked up again!
Some people will say that when it comes to children, “all you need is love.” To them, I say this: Try buying groceries with love. Good luck getting those new school clothes with love. Oh, and colleges don’t take installment payments of love.
Damn – this pissed me off more than I thought.
I fully & whole-heartedly agree with the comments by Stacey & Shannon. And, though I’m not a mom yet, it is certain to me that I’d have the same feelings you do about Brittany’s situation. I wish her all the best for the sake of her children but hope she can see that having a baby with every man that comes into her life is only causing harm to the most innocent of all.
1. Anna is gorgeous! Love her!
2. I had to read the opening paragraph to the last segment of this post a few times to make sure I understood this correctly. That. Is. Remarkable.
3. I can’t imagine anyone faulting you for your feelings. Many of the same thought flashed through my head in the nanoseconds I had to process it before reading on.
4. Return to point 1.
I really admire you for always being so honest! I’ll admit that reading that I thought the same things…I even wondered if they would give the baby to you too!
I feel bad that I’m extremely jealous of Anna’s eyelashes. Mine are so short and straight (the asian side of me
) and hers are soooooo long and beautiful! ARGH!
As far as vaccinations go, I just posted about my first real problem with vaccines. I still think they are necessary.
I don’t even pretend to know what it’s like to be adopted or to adopt. I have a friend who adopted three of her four kids. The last one was a foster to adopt situation. About a year after she was born the birth mother decided she wasn’t interested in her baby anymore. My friend was able to finally adopt the baby she brought home from the hospital.
Another one of my friend’s kids was separated from her brothers and sisters. She was 3 when this happened so she still remembers them. My friend doesn’t know how to tell her daughter that her “friends” are really her siblings.
There are just ugly situations in the world because of the choices people make. I’m sorry you have to worry about it. But you cannot forget for a second that Anna was meant to live with you and your husband. All three of you are so blessed that circumstances worked out the way they did so she could live with you.
Whether things happen for a reason or not, Anna is still your miracle. Her life is better than it would have been. I’m sure that one day she will understand that. She will always know she is loved by you and your husband – her mom and dad.
Elizabeth-
Anna is a adorable, love the eye lashes. You can say what you want to say, it’s your blog plus you have a right. I am sorry to hear Brit is pregnant again but I think your a awesome woman to want to take the unborn child in. As far as any comments about Brit…I’m going to leave them at the alter.
I am sure Anna will know that she was the lucky one – the one that her birth mom made sure would be taken care of. I know you will make sure she knows that.
I’m getting to this a little late…
I guess I’ll follow the group’s lead and start with the softball first: those are some ridiculous eyelashes. It sort of makes sense that her biological mom wouldn’t have any trouble getting knocked up if they share the eyelash gene.
The only thing I would fault you for here is your title. While right now this must all be so devastating and overwhelming and so [clearly] evocative for you, if anything, I’d say many of these are things that can be made nothing but better. Maybe not by you, maybe partially by you. Someone else observing this woman might have given the same blog title to Brittany’s 3rd pregnancy, and look how wrong they would have been.
I guess all I’m saying is, who knows? Yeah, it sounds rough (and I’ll admit to not being Facebook friends with this woman) but good or bad is just a moment in time, and time is flying by.
Also, that Band-Aid was made better just from one picture to the next. So there.
Working in the job I do (social work/welfare office), I understand your thoughts. There are so many times when I think to myself that I wish they would just give me their child.
It’s sad to see.